I can't resist a stupid joke like that, but I promise you that it's the last one for this review.
Hoa Lan is the mecca of all Asian foods and other products here in St. Petersburg. There are many Asian markets around, and they have their charms, but Hoa Lan is the biggest and most varied I've seen.
If you haven't shopped in an Asian grocery before, let me warn you first: you may be put off by the unique smells that assail your nose when you walk in, but persevere. This is NOT Publix. The smells are from a combination of Asian herbs (there's a medicine section), the meat section, and I'm not sure what else. But it smells like every shop I've been to in various Chinatowns.
Be brave, and you'll be rewarded by a variety of foods from all over Asia. The owners have selected best-selling items to assuage the homesickness of folks from China, Viet Nam, Japan, India, Korea and the Philippines. Try the candies, cookies and crackers, many sold in colorful tins (good to keep out Florida critters, heat and humidity) -- they are not super-sweet like American cookies and candies.
Any kind of noodle that strikes your fancy is available at Hoa Lan, and seasoning sauces like shoyu (soy sauce), oyster sauce, hoisin, ponzu, and nam pla can be found from various countries. I cannot count how many different varieties of chili sauce and paste or coconut milks they offer. My favorite section is the spice packet section, which offers Indo-Foods' handy meal seasonings for the lazy cook (try the rendang, opor ayam or nasi goreng for starters), Mama Sita's Filipino packets (all good) and a great selection of various curry pastes and powders. You can choose from different Thai curry pastes -- delicious -- Indian style pastes, or the beguilingly sweet-hot Japanese curries (secret hint: cook some chopped apple in with the sauce for the real-deal authentic flavor).
Refrigerator cases offer drinks with exotic flavors like pennywort, grass jelly, calamansi, soy, and lychee. Another case holds various strengths of miso (fermented soybean paste), kimchee, pickled Japanese vegetables like daikon, fresh and packaged tofu and fresh bamboo shoots.
The frozen food section is a wonder to behold. Some of the items I usually zero in on are the flaky paratha breads, the various gyoza (dumplings for frying or steaming), siao pao (puffy steamed buns with filling), grated fresh coconut, or -- and here tears of joy well in my eyes -- yummy mochi filled with azuki bean paste as well as green tea ice cream. Try the durian ice cream if you are feeling adventurous.
The meat counter is not for the faint of heart (or stomach) and I smile vaguely in the butcher's direction as I turn my attention to the fruit and veggie section, which is small but varied. Buy a whole fresh durian and become the most popular person in the neighborhood, as everyone tries to figure out where the stench is coming from. Tiny bags of incendiary fresh Thai hot peppers add zing to any meal, and get the "mint" (actually a kind of basil, I think) to shred over a bowl of noodles for that authentic southeast Asian flair.
On your way out, stop in the back room to marvel at all the melamine and bamboo kitchenware, the woks and utensils, and various shrines, candles, joss sticks and joss paper.
The checkout counter area holds huge bags of rice (no silly 2-pound bags of rice), sake, Asian medicines and cosmetics (like Eagle oil and Bigen henna hair color).
You can also buy or rent Asian videos, DVDs and CDs.
The owners are very nice and can be helpful, though I've never really had to ask what most things in there were. But I'd recommend this store because their food is generally fresh and high quality (there is a lot of turnover, unlike in some of the smaller stores). And the prices are unbeatable. Publix is nice, but sometimes only Hoa Lan can fill the bill.
more